omg

[samael apollyon grimm]

Journal of my time in Virginia.

August 19th is the first day, of course. Long ass car trip was LONG. I’m not looking forward for the ride back, but hey, I want to go home. Actually, I want to go home now, and I’m not the only one. Funny. It took us so long to get here, and all my grandma and me want to do is go home and crawl into our beds. This place is pretty okay, at the top of a mountain and all, but there’s no internet or cell phone reception, so I’ve been drawing and typing this stuff up instead.

The day here was pretty warm, but the night is even more awesome. Actually, under the sound of my music playing on the laptop, I can hear the coyotes outside. It’s kinda freakish, but cool at the same time. I’m tired as hell as I type this up, but it gives me something to do for the moment before I try to go to sleep. I’m scared of sleeping. I don’t want to wake up in a panic attack like I did at 5:50 this morning. God, that was horrid. I thought I was going to die.

And I keep getting distracted by music and the thing I’ve been filling out to send to Bru, lol. Drawing while half asleep is kinda fun, but at the same time, every time I blink, I can’t help but wonder wtf I just drew, because I nod off with each blink. Ha. And blah. I feel stranded out here and awkward around people that I don’t know and aren’t related to me. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow, which is some massive reunion. I think I might get cell reception where we’re going though, because we’re going over into Kentucky and out of the mountains. I don’t know if this place is good for me or not, but I’m going to try pushing going home back to Sunday, instead of Monday. I’m not comfortable out here. Maybe if I knew someone other than my grandmother, but I don’t, so I’m stuck here. And Sunday is the day my grandma is going to the grave. I think I’m staying here instead.

Oh, the car is cool though. Mercury Mariner 2011. I want oneeee. Best AC ever and a banging ass system at the same time. I want this SUV when I get a car, I swear. Anddd… once again, I feel sick. I haven’t been feeling good lately, but maybe it’s the anxiety crashing down on my head like a hammer. Maybe being out in the fresh air will do me good, I guess. But I’m not even sure anymore. This is all just… a lot to absorb, when all I want to do is be home. I dunno. Maybe I’ll try to sleep after working on this drawing and seeing if I can actually make a decent one. Pah. Yeah. I’ll try, I guess. Yay family reunion that I have no business being in -_-

Day 2, August 20th

Just got back to the house of a little ol’ woman who happens to be a millionaire living on top of a mountain, and it’s 10:39 at night. We left at about 11 am, and I’m tired, but the drive back woke me up.

Oh my fucking hell, I am warning you, right now, NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER let a little old woman from Virginia drive you in the dark.

I’m not fucking kidding.

This little old woman drives like a fucking bat out of hell. I’m talking hairpin, kiss your own fucking ass, turns with nothing but rock on one side, and a drop down the mountain on the other side. NO GUARDRAIL. I AM NOT LYING. AND WE TAKE THESE TURNS AT 60 FUCKING MILES AN HOUR. Oh my fucking SHIT, I thought I was going to die. Little old 72 year old woman driving like a mad man. Ugh. Never again. She wouldn’t even let us drive our own car, which is annoying. She’s a little controlling and a little batty, and a horrible driver, but I guess she means well? Idk.

Anyway, other than almost dying via plummeting off a mountain screaming in a SUV, today was… eh. All I did was sit around listening to older people talking about gout, pains, aches, old memories and other bullshit like that. ALL. FUCKNG. DAY. While I sat next to my grandmother as blank as I could be, not even really listening. The family reunion was just weird. I’m not related to anyone there, neither is my grandmother, so it was… awkward, to say the least. People were so surprised and happy to see me, but I kinda just stood there like a deer in the headlights. It was odd. Very odd. But I did see some horses, and I really want to go horseback riding before we leave on Monday. I don’t think I can though, so there’s my only chance of real entertainment gone. This journal is about the only thing keeping me sane, and I’m going to be posting it up for everyone to see so they know how this trip has gone.

By the way, have I mentioned, that this little old lady has a LOT of religion all over this house? It’s kinda awkward for me. I tolerate religion, I do, but I don’t like it being shoved down my throat and at me. Like, it was weird even saying grace at a meal. And when she said she owned an old revolver, it kinda freaked me out. But yeah. So goes life, I guess. This is all too awkward for me though. And tomorrow is going to be the worst. They’re taking the gravestone to the cemetery tomorrow and having a service up on the hill where my grandfather is buried, a sort of memorial, I guess. But I can’t go see it. It’s going to really shut me down. I don’t know, I cope weird. I’m already really iffy and odd as it is around here.

I mean, it was kind of obvious I was weirded out and all that when someone turned on the radio, I think it was my grandfather’s brother’s wife. I think. She turned on Susan Boyle and put on Amazing Grace, which was my grandpa’s favorite gospel song. The only one in the room that wasn’t crying was me, but I sort of just shut down and sat there. It was completely awkward for me to be sitting in a room full of grieving people and just being the one yawning and staring off into space without a tear in my eye. I just shut all emotion down, I guess.

Oh, and just so we’re all clear, my grandfather was just my marriage grandfather, he wasn’t blood but he was as good as blood. This is how I’m not related to anyone at this reunion and at these family things here. Anyway, yeah. Being here makes me feel more outcasted and away than normal. I think it stresses me out worse. It doesn’t help that my chest has been hurting all day from some kind of gas bubble or some congestion in my lungs. I’ve been completely funny and weird since I woke up yesterday at 5:50 am freaking the fuck out and thinking I was going to die. Who knows. I know when I get home Monday, I’m going to the hospital just to ease my nerves. Maybe I’ll get an anxiety pill or something prescribed to finally calm my ass down. Maybe.

That’s all about today though, because these pages are getting filled up on this word processor and it’s time for me to shut it down, listen to some coyotes howling outside and read a book on the bed that’s no softer than the floor I’m sitting on right now. No lie. The bed is like sleeping on top of a slab of concrete. Maybe that’s why I’m so sore. But. Yeah. Off to the hard bed and trying to sleep. Bah. I can’t wait to get home, or at least somewhere with reception to talk to friends to keep me sane. I hope. No one has really been talking to me save for about… four people. It’s kinda sad. But yeahhhh. I’m off here. Until tomorrow, for more awkward reporting on this trip here in Virginia! -_- … fml.

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As you can tell, I only wrote two entries. The third day was something I'd rather stay silent about because it's caused me a lot of stress and a lot of issues in a way. I'm okay, I guess, if you call being blank okay. It's kinda just... blank and dull. I didn't go to the grave, but all the same, I've just been... odd.